Breast Cancer: Telling Your Kids About It

One of the hardest parts about being diagnosed with breast cancer is how to tell your children about it. Generally speaking, the best thing to do is to be honest with them. If they don't hear it from you now, they're bound to find out some other way - they'll overhear a conversation when you assume they're out of the room, or a friend or neighbor will inadvertently say something. And when they hear it that way, in the form of a terrible secret they were never supposed to know, it will be a lot more horrifying for them. By talking about it openly with them, you can demystify it. In addition, if all goes well your children gain an opportunity to learn about survival after breast cancer. Kids need to know they can trust you - you don't want to do anything to violate that trust. It's a two-way communication; remember also to listen to their fears. If you find it difficult to bring up the subject, there are children's books you can get that can give you a place to begin.
How you tell them about your breast cancer diagnosis, of course, will depend on the ages of your children and their own emotional vulnerability. They must be told very directly that they did not cause the cancer by thoughts, words, anger, dreams, wishes, etc. Your children will also be affected in other ways; you may be gone for a few days in the hospital and will need to rest when you come home; you may be getting daily radiation therapy, which will consume a lot of your time and leave you tired and lethargic afterwards. You may be having chemotherapy treatments that make you violently sick and make you lose your hair as well. Your children need to know that the alteration in your behavior and the decrease in your accessibility to them isn't happening because you don't love them or because they've been bad and this is their punishment.
Some surgeons encourage breast cancer patients to bring young children to the examining room with them. It could be very helpful for a daughter in particular to see her mother being examined. If you are being treated with radiation or chemotherapy in a center where your children are permitted to see the treatment areas, it's a good idea to bring them along once or twice a week. The environments aren't intimidating and a child who doesn't know what's happening to you in the hospital can conjure up awful images of what "those people" are doing to mom.
Breast cancer has particularly complex ramifications for a mother and her daughter. Aside from all the normal fears any child has to deal with, a daughter might worry about whether this will happen to her, too. It's not a wholly unfounded fear, since there is a genetic component to breast cancer. You need to reassure your daughter, explain to her that it is not inevitable but as she gets older she should learn about her breasts and be very conscious of the need for monitoring.